Wednesday, 30 September 2015

Rainy Days and Wednesdays

They don't always leave me feeling down but feeling down I am. Have been for quite some time. I think the Cymbalta has stopped working; I've only been taking it for 5 years now so perhaps it's time to change it up. To what, I don't know. If I were able to get a prescription for medical marijuana, I would. The thing with that is traditional anti-depressants are released slowly into your system so, theoretically, you don't "crash" after a couple of hours, but if you took only medical marijuana, you would have to smoke it a few times a day, wouldn't you? Not too many employers would allow you to do that, even if it's legal.

Lately, I can't tell if my friends have been more distant, or if I'm the one who is withdrawing from them. Now don't go getting worried that I'm going to do something drastic. Not every depressed person ends their life, otherwise the world population would dip. Some get their heads out of their gloomy thoughts and are able to continue for a while until the next bout comes along, then it's rinse/repeat. For some, it isn't so much gloomy thoughts as it is wondering if they're going to slip into a catatonic state because they feel overwhelmed. And for some it's an innate feeling; they will do it one day and they know it. May I never slip into that category.

I will admit I've sometimes thought about suicide, but not in a serious way. A little while ago I thought it was becoming a bit much so I asked myself an important question - Do I really want to die? No. Despite what I see as my realistic future as everything stands right now, I have hope; I have sadness and concern, but I still have hope. Hope is in my son. Hope is in the memories and moments of laughter and bonding on every level - familial, romantic, friendship, to help me get through what fogs my brain and pains my heart to the point of distraction. I know some of you reading this know what I mean. They're my lifelines. Some have others or the same, but you understand.

When I feel overwhelmed, that hope fades. I used to feel overwhelmed by work (and rightly so, that was an insane job) then while I was in the process of recovering from that, my family life went to shit. It's been five very long years and it's only recently that things seem to have gotten better; there's still an undercurrent of tension between us. Now, overwhelming feelings are beginning at work because of big changes happening for our department and tension is in the air.

Why do I feel overwhelmed? One aspect is worrying over things I have no control over, or I feel like I don't have a say in anything. I'm more emotional and quick to anger when I feel I'm being treated unfairly and/or my feelings aren't considered. Another is the inability to do something when I have so many things to do. I work in a department where we do varied tasks from data entry to warehouse work (plus a lot of other things), so we work on a schedule. Each week we're assigned different tasks, so we know who's in charge of doing what all the time, the shitty stuff isn't always stuck on one person's shoulders, and the knowledge is spread around. This is perfect for me. Surprising since I used to balk at schedules and still got things done.

So why don't you do that for home, I hear you ask. That damn thought. One more thing to do and it's too much energy to explain. Too tiring ... and the depressed feeling is heavy. It's all layered, one thing on top of another then when you're at the top of the pile, that's when you feel overwhelmed. You do something then what feels like in a blink of an eye, you have to redo it. Because no one else will. And there are new things to do from the last time you did that first task. You're not sure where to start, and once you start, it takes you a really long time to finish. Hopefully, a lot of you won't understand how this could drive someone into inertia, but it does. Please bear in mind I'm only explaining the thoughts and feelings I can put into words.

It's a vicious cycle.

By the way, it's taken me 6 hours to write this post. After agonizing over this, I am now in the "fuck it" phase, so I'm going to post. If you've read this all the way to the end, I thank you, and I appreciate your attention. It's finally time for me to do something else. Something constructive. Think I'm going to jump on top of this while I do something; makes it more fun:

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