Sunday, 27 June 2010

I think I'm losing my mind

Literally.

Work is stressful, but is it an excuse to misplace things on a regular basis? I'm starting to get very worried about what's going on in my brain, or what isn't. I put something on a shelf, certain that I put it in the right spot, but when I go to add something near the end of the day it's gone. I thought maybe I misplaced it and put it close by. I looked everywhere. Couldn't find it. I have to search for it again tomorrow.

I prepared another package for our most senior manager on June 8th. The deadline to finish this particular project is tomorrow (June 30th). I thought it was strange he didn't tell me it was done before he left for a conference. Then I suddenly realized I had put the package in the area where slides are prepared (because once slides are done, they're delivered to the managers along with this package). Well, no slides needed to be prepared for this one. I just did something while on autopilot. He returns tomorrow. I'm sure he'll tear a strip off my back - a wide, deep strip; he's not a pleasant man when he's cross. The counterargument can be that he didn't follow his schedule, otherwise he would have known that he was to receive the information, but who am I kidding? Shit falls and I'm at the bottom.

People tell me I'm too quick to assume responsibility when problems come up. That could be true, but I honestly feel like I am losing it. I used to be able to handle pressure. I enjoyed being busy (not ├╝ber busy, but busy). Now? I feel panicky. I take a l-o-n-g time to do something that the average person does within a half-hour or hour. I have a hard time concentrating. I zone out a little too often. I write things down, but I still don't fully understand what I'm supposed to do.

This is not normal. It doesn't happen just at work, either. I'm forgetful about things at home. I was at a shoe store with my son today to buy him sandals. For some unknown reason they also sold a few swim shorts. Somehow while he was in the change room trying on a pair, I wound up with a man's sandal in my hand. I have no freaking clue where I got it from, or how I managed to pick it up. I looked around to find the box it should be on top of - couldn't find it anywhere. That made me feel scared.

I have a doctor's appointment in a couple of weeks. I have said in the past that I've had problems with words not coming to me quickly, or sometimes losing my train of thought. She didn't think anything of it. I did get a CT scan, but that was because I had crippling headaches that accompanied my period every month. I guess nothing unusual was found, because nothing was said to me.

It is scary, and depressing. Doesn't help that my husband is out of work. Again. He has been trying very hard to find something. He applied to work up north in Nunavut - 2 weeks work there, 2 weeks off here. Right now, I can handle that because he is becoming quite bitter. If he got a job up there he'd be making enough money so that if I lose my job (which is a possibility) we would be okay. Not great, but okay. But no phone call yet, and we can't hold our breath for anything.

Makes me wonder if life will be good for us again.

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